Breakin it Down! is published by Swing Street Publishing.  All contents © 2017 Swing Street Publishing.  All rights reserved.



THE ULTIMATE PRICE OF ABUSE
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The Ultimate Price of Abuse
Are you with someone that's abusing you?  What is it costing you?

It's hard to maintain a good relationship nowadays.  Life's challenges sometimes cause us to act shamefully.  Domestic abuse does not discriminate; no matter your sex, age, race or financial situation, you are at risk of becoming a victim.  There are many ways to abuse someone.  And both men and women can be abusive. Abuse does not have to be physical in order to have a traumatic impact.  If someone makes you feel insecure, inadequate or unworthy in any way, if your loved one speaks to you in ways that offend you; if he or she makes you have sex when you don't want to, or have sex you don't like, if the person intimidates you, or uses money to control you, that person is also abusing you. And unless you enjoy being abused, you need to do something about it.
Some Things To Remember About Abusers

• Abusers are often the most charming, attractive people. Their charm and attractiveness are what draw their victims in. By appearing to be the "perfect" mate, they get unsuspecting people to trust them.

• Abusers will often shower you with attention, gifts, money and other "perks", especially after an abusive episode. This helps them to rid themselves of guilt. It also makes them feel they've PAID for the right to be abusive.

• Abusers often have a childhood history of abuse. Many abusers come from households with domestic violence, sexual molestation, etc.  They in turn, subject others to the abuse to which they were exposed.

• Abusers are bullies. They seek to prey on others who might be in a weakened or unsuspecting state. They cleverly pinpoint those things which strike a nerve in their victim.  And then they use it to their advantage.

• Abusers are cowards. Too afraid to face their faults and inadequacies, abusers distract themselves by focusing on the frailties of others. A real man does not aim to demean, beat, or distress a woman.  A real woman does not seek to diminish her man in any way. Or cause him physical harm. Unless it's clearly in self defense.

• Abusers are control freaks. By abusing others, they feel in control of their relationships. If an abuser can make you feel small, unattractive and insecure, he/or she has obtained power over your emotions.

• Abusers do not respect kindness. Abusers think kindness in any form is a weakness. The nicer you are, the worse they'll become.

• You cannot reason with an abuser. They already KNOW what they're doing is wrong. Abusers use the word "sorry" as a license to continue the same behavior.  And when you accept "sorry" and forgive them, they take that to mean you're giving them permission to abuse you again and again.

• Spiritually, abusers are all screwed up. Abusers rarely go to church and read spiritual texts like the Bible. And if they DO go to church, it's often for appearances sake. While in a house of worship, abusers will distract themselves when the service covers scripture that warns against their actions. They are too afraid to face God and will boldly disregard His word, regardless of cost. Many abusers are atheists.

• Abusers think little of themselves. They are acting out their fears and anger by projecting their problems onto someone else.  They enjoy hurting others because they can't deal with their own pain and inadequacies.

• Abusers can become violent once they are emotionally involved. This is why it is important to recognize the signs of abuse early and exit the relationship before the abuser becomes vested. Once they think you belong to them, you're done.

• Abusers will never change unless they get the proper, ongoing psychological treatment.  And special medication in some cases. Even then, they can still revert back to their abusive behavior. Who needs that?

• Some abusers are actually masochists who want you to abuse them in return. If you're into sadomasochistic relationships, have fun at your own risk / expense.

• Once an abuser, always an abuser. Don't accept someone's abuse, thinking you'll eventually change them.  It's not going to happen. And you'll get hurt.

• Abusers will never be totally happy in a relationship. How could they be?
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The National Domestic Violence Hotline is staffed by trained counselors who can provide crisis assistance and information about shelters, legal advocacy, health care centers, and counseling. Call from a phone line that you know is secure, 24 hours a day:  1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or click the link.
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The answer to that question didn't come easily and I suffered considerable turmoil in the process. Looking back, I realize that was what he wanted - to make me unsure of myself and ultimately, more vulnerable to his abuse. He was fire and ice; I didn't like his behavior, but at the same time, I was confused and frustrated because I'd come to care for him and he did so many other things right.  He could be kind and he was very generous. At first, he seemed serious about wanting a life partner and solid marriage. He talked about buying a home for us.  He took me on vacation, helped me financially when I was in a bind and continued to wine and dine me.  In between all that however, his method of picking me apart continued.
The Domestic Abuse Helpline specializes in supporting male victims of abuse.  This line also helps women. Call: (888) 7HELPLINE from a secure phone, or click the HelpGuide Logo and Go!
When he said one day: "It's either this, or nothing..." I felt a deep chill. It occurred to me I could end up dead, or arrested on a self-defense manslaughter charge.  And that was scary.  I'd decided long before I met him that I'd never allow any man to physically harm me.  So, I stood up to him. And I believe he knew I was serious.  You see, I grew up witnessing domestic violence and I was sure I'd lose my temper if anyone tried to subject me to the same thing. What scared me most was the prospect of going to prison for what he'd make me do to him if he tried it. But, I was still in love.  We took a break; he came back promising to change his behavior.  I gave it some thought and against my better judgment, suggested we try relationship counseling.
(Continues Below)
The Ultimate Price of Abuse (Continued)
Sources: National Domestic Violence Hotline, National Center for Victims of Crime, The Feminist Majority Foundation, The Domestic Abuse Helpline.
The National Dating Abuse Helpline / Break the Cycle
© Swing Street Publishing and Gina C. All rights Reserved.  This article may not be reproduced, in whole or in part, by any means, without express written permission from the author and publisher. 
We live in a world where many types of people roam. Some of them are mentally ill.  And some are just plain evil. Sometimes, good people end up doing very bad things. And often, it's difficult to tell who's genuine and who's not. With the widespread breakdown of religion and loss of morality in society as a whole, more and more people are engaging in destructive and abusive behavior. People are taking and losing innocent lives in the so-called name of love. And it's more important than ever for you to ensure your health and safety.
I learned valuable lessons from that experience. During the romance phase, abusers never present themselves as abusive.  In fact, abusers appear quite the opposite: loving, adoring, attentive, considerate, the list goes on. That's why it's important to take your time with a new love. Even do a background check if you have to. Men are at risk of being abused, just like women. As a relationship progresses, an abuser evaluates his/her opportunity to cross the line.  Once that determination is made, the abuser begins a slow, methodical process of tearing you down. By then, you're most probably in love. And overwhelmingly confused. This is how so many of us get entangled in relationships that are disastrous. Early on, we either don't pay attention to the warning signals (trust me, they're there), or we disregard the signs we see.
Gina C. is author of the acclaimed novel VIGIL: You Never Know Who's Watching You.  She is currently at work on several projects, including a music album.
In the past, I've made the mistake of staying in relationships too long when I knew deep down they weren't good for me.  I am trying to do better in that area.  It's easy to fall in a perilous trap when you fall in love.  But, you always have to love yourself first and foremost.  Loving yourself means not allowing anyone to abuse you. My advice to those who are dealing with an abuser: start first by calling the situation what it is. Next, understand and keep telling yourself that YOU ARE IN NO WAY TO BLAME for the abuser's behavior, no matter WHAT they say!  Think things through CAREFULLY before you make any moves; you need a plan that exercises caution in order to increase your safety.  Once you know exactly what you need to do... Do whatever you have to and get OUT.
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I wrote this article because of my childhood past, and personal experience with an abuser.  I consider myself lucky to be able to share my experience with you. Writing this helped me heal, and I hope reading it will benefit you. We are all a Work-in-Progress and deserve the chance to make life better. Ultimately, the price of abuse can be death, a hospital, or prison. That makes ANY abusive relationship too costly.
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He began by making small, negative comments about my appearance.  Be it my hairstyle, or choice of clothes, he always had something negative to say.  At the same time, compliments from him became scarce.  I am a reasonably attractive woman and my intuition warned that he wanted me to doubt myself. He was also jealous and possessive. His negative comments became more personal; suddenly, there were many things wrong with my figure and weight. I asked him keep his negative thoughts to himself - who needs someone to put them down? But, he continued anyway, claiming he was joking. He was having fun at my expense, I realized and I began to dislike him for it.  He often provoked me into a war of words, and I usually refused to participate.  Sometimes though, I'd give in and the results were nasty. When he began to make disparaging comments about my family, also as "jokes", it occurred to me he might not be the man I'd begun dating. So, who exactly was he?
I've witnessed how some people become victims of abuse, but I never thought it would happen to me. I was wrong.  Despite my carefulness in choosing romantic partners, I eventually dated a man who turned out to be psychologically and emotionally abusive.  In the beginning, he seemed like husband material: focused, ambitious and responsible. We had perfect dates, heartfelt late-night conversations and fantastic sex. After some months however, his behavior and our relationship began to change.  It took some time for me to realize he was an abusive person, because his methods were subtle and he waited a good while to show his true side.
I can handle myself pretty well, so I had no problem telling the man off when necessary. But, those negative exchanges put me off-center.  And each time we argued, I knew I was lowering myself. I expected better from my relationship and I was becoming disappointed with myself.  I guess he wanted that, as well. When this man began to pull and push me "playfully" -  despite my insistence he NEVER do such things - I knew we were on a very bad track. It beame clear to me the man I'd fallen in love with had a serious problem. I wasn't about to spend the rest of my life with a man with a serious problem.
In hindsight, I realized two things: I didn't look close enough in the beginning, and it wasn't my fault he acted that way.  Abusers will try to make you believe you're somehow responsible for their abusive behavior. The only thing you're responsible for is getting OUT once you realize what's going on. HE was the one who engaged in false advertising, I reminded myself.  Now, it was MY job to walk away once I knew the situation wasn't healthy. The moment my path became clear, I didn't just walk, I RAN!
Fortunately, the situation never climaxed the way I feared.  I realize some people are not so lucky.  To this day, I believe that guy would've become violent if we went any further.  After the relationship ended,  I was left with an uneasy feeling as I asked myself how I got involved with someone like that in the first place. I also wondered if someday he'd come looking for me. And I still do. As a writer, my imagination can get the best of me.
After one counseling session, he refused to continue.  And he didn't change. In fact, he was more than willing to resume his destructive behavior. And it got worse.  He wanted to wrestle, restrain and overpower me physically in play. I couldn't adjust to that kind of behavior. I decided I wanted out when, in bed, he tried to call me degrading names and treat my body in ways that made me uncomfortable.  I understand some men want freaky women, but I was not about to be spoken to and handled like trash.  So, I broke off the relationship.  It didn't happen overnight; it took a little time.  But, once it was over, I was very glad I made that decision.
If you are in a physically-abusive relationship, you are in EXTREME danger and need to get help right away.  This page contains links to resources that might be of assistance.  Forget about love and think about your safety. You must protect yourself at all costs, without delay!
Acclaimed novel by Gina C.
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Some Ways to Help Protect Yourself Against Abuse:
• Enter all relationships with caution. Do not become intimate with someone until you've had a good chance to know and observe them.
• If you notice any odd/bizarre behavior, do NOT dismiss it. Do NOT excuse it. Take an immediate break from the situation and evaluate it.
• Beware excessive attention. Someone calling you dozens of times a day is exhibiting obsessive behavior. And is a potential stalker.
• Do not allow a new person access to your email, voicemail, etc. 
• Choose email and voicemail passwords carefully. Use as many characters as possible (numbers, symbols), etc. to prevent hacking.
• NEVER allow your mate to push, pull, shove or act physically against you, even in play. Play fighting often leads to the real thing.
• Take any and all threats seriously. No one should ever threaten you, even in jest.
• Document bizarre behavior, in the event you need it for law enforcement.
• If you suspect you're with someone who could become abusive, get out of the relationship as soon as possible. Seek advice and help from people you trust.
• Be VERY careful of what you say and do while social networking. You may be posting information that will later help a stalker find you. 
IMPORTANT NOTE: No part of Breakin It Down! should be taken to constitute professional advice or a formal recommendation by Swing Street. Swing Street Publishing excludes all representations and warranties relating to the content and use of this Site.
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